Recently, someone reached out to me with a heart-wrenching question that resonates with so many partners across the UK:
“My husband was emotionally neglected by both of his parents as a child. He is now emotionally unavailable to me in our marriage. He’s dismissive and avoids all emotional situations. Is this something you can help him with?”
If you are living in this reality, you know the specific kind of loneliness it brings. It is the frustration of loving someone who feels miles away, even when they are sitting right next to you. You might feel rejected or like you are “too much” for wanting a basic emotional connection.
As a therapist specialising in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing), my answer to this question is a hopeful yes. But to understand how we help, we first have to understand that your husband isn’t necessarily choosing to be “cold”—his nervous system is likely stuck in a survival loop.
In many UK marriages, there is a recurring “dance” that takes place behind closed doors. One partner reaches out for connection, vulnerability, or support, only to meet a “silent wall.” The other partner—often described as emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or avoidant—withdraws further into themselves.
If you are the partner on the outside looking in, you may feel lonely, rejected, and confused. You might ask, “Does he even care?” or “Is our marriage beyond repair?” However, when we look beneath the surface of emotional unavailability, we often find the fingerprints of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). As an EMDR therapist, I see this daily: a partner who isn’t “cold” by choice, but who is living in a nervous system stuck in a survival state.
In this article, we will explore the link between childhood neglect and adult avoidance, and how Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) offers a path to reconnection that traditional “talk therapy” often misses.
Part 1: The Invisible Wound of Childhood Emotional Neglect
To understand emotional unavailability, we must first understand what happened—or rather, what didn’t happen—in your husband’s early life.
What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?
Unlike physical or verbal abuse, emotional neglect is an “invisible” trauma. It is defined by an absence of emotional response. In these households:
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Feelings were treated as “noise” or a nuisance.
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Distress was met with “Go to your room until you’ve calmed down.”
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Success was celebrated, but emotional pain was ignored.
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Parents may have been physically present but were “switched off” or overwhelmed themselves.
The Birth of the “Dismissive” Shield
When a child’s emotional needs are consistently ignored, they reach a painful conclusion: My feelings don’t matter, and relying on others is dangerous. To survive, the child develops a Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style. They learn to “auto-regulate”—to shut down their attachment system so they never have to feel the sting of rejection again. By the time they reach adulthood and marriage, this shield is so thick they may not even realise it’s there. They aren’t being “difficult” on purpose; they are operating from a 20-year-old survival manual.
Part 2: Why Emotional Situations Feel Like a Threat
If your husband is dismissive, you’ve likely noticed that the more you try to “talk about us,” the faster he retreats. From a neurological perspective, your request for intimacy is being processed by his brain as a threat.
For someone with a history of neglect, emotional intensity triggers the amygdala—the brain’s alarm system. Because he never learned how to co-regulate with a parent, he lacks the “braking system” to handle deep emotions. His brain sees two options:
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Fight: Becoming defensive or angry to end the conversation.
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Flight/Freeze: Shutting down, “stonewalling,” or physically leaving the room.
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This is where the marriage hits a stalemate. You are seeking safety through closeness, while he is seeking safety through distance.
Part 3: How EMDR Changes the Narrative
Many men, in particular, are hesitant about therapy because they fear being forced to “wallow” in the past or “over-share” feelings they don’t yet have words for. This is why EMDR is such a transformative tool for avoidant partners.
Moving Beyond the “Analytical Mind”
Avoidant individuals are often highly intelligent and logical. They can “talk around” a problem for hours without actually feeling it. EMDR bypasses the analytical left brain and speaks directly to the limbic system, where the trauma of neglect is stored.
The EMDR Process for Neglect
In my practice at Juna Brookes Therapy, we don’t just talk about the neglect; we “reprocess” it.
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Targeting the “Quiet” Memories: We look for the moments where he felt he had to “be a man” or “suck it up” as a child.
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Bilateral Stimulation (BLS): By using eye movements or tactile pulses, we stimulate the brain’s natural processing system. This is similar to what happens during REM sleep.
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Desensitisation: We take the “charge” out of the memory. The goal is for him to remember his past without his body going into a “shut down” response in the present.
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Reprogramming Beliefs: We replace the old belief (“I am safer alone”) with a functional, adult belief (“I can be vulnerable and still be safe”).
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Part 4: A Guide for the Hesitant Partner
(What to Expect in the Chair)
If you are reading this and thinking about suggesting EMDR to your husband, he may have concerns. Here is how we approach the work to ensure he feels in control:
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No Forced Vulnerability: He doesn’t have to tell me every detail of his life. EMDR allows the brain to do much of the work privately.
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The “Stop” Button: He is always in control. We build “resourcing” tools first—mental exercises that help him feel grounded and calm—before we touch any difficult memories.
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A Focus on Function: We frame the work as a “system upgrade.” We aren’t trying to change his personality; we are trying to clear the “static” that makes marriage harder than it needs to be.
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Part 5: Can This Save Your Marriage?
The short answer is yes, but with a caveat: EMDR is a collaborative process. While it is highly effective at “unlocking” the emotionally unavailable partner, the marriage also requires a shift in how both partners communicate.
For the Partner Seeking Connection:
As he begins to “thaw” through EMDR, he may be clumsy with his emotions at first. It’s like a muscle that hasn’t been used in decades. Patience is vital.
For the Partner in EMDR:
You might notice that you start to feel “more”—not just the difficult stuff, but the good stuff, too. Emotional availability isn’t just about handling conflict; it’s about the ability to feel joy, intimacy, and true partnership.
Moving Forward: Next Steps
If your marriage feels like it’s being held hostage by a wall of silence, please know that this isn’t a “character flaw” in your husband. It is a physiological response to a childhood where his needs didn’t matter.
At Juna Brookes Therapy, I specialise in helping couples and individuals navigate the complexities of trauma and attachment through EMDR. We don’t just look for “band-aid” solutions; we go to the root of the silence to find the connection that’s been waiting there all along.