{"id":8498,"date":"2025-04-25T11:21:01","date_gmt":"2025-04-25T10:21:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/?p=8498"},"modified":"2025-04-25T11:21:01","modified_gmt":"2025-04-25T10:21:01","slug":"ego-states-how-to-talk-better-with-your-child-customer-spouse-or-boss","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/ego-states-how-to-talk-better-with-your-child-customer-spouse-or-boss\/","title":{"rendered":"Ego States: How to Talk Better with Your Child, Customer, Spouse, or Boss"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Have you ever had a talk with someone that suddenly turned into a fight? Maybe you were calm, but the other person got angry, or maybe you got upset without knowing why. Whether you\u2019re talking to your child, your boss, your customer, or your partner\u2014communication can sometimes go wrong.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The good news is, there&#8217;s a simple way to understand what\u2019s happening. It&#8217;s called Transactional Analysis (TA). This idea says we all have three ego states inside us: Parent, Adult, and Child. These ego states are just ways we act, think, and feel in different situations.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Let\u2019s break them down.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What Are Ego States?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-8500\" src=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/Screenshot-2025-04-25-151431.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"623\" height=\"325\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/Screenshot-2025-04-25-151431.png 623w, https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/Screenshot-2025-04-25-151431-480x250.png 480w\" sizes=\"(min-width: 0px) and (max-width: 480px) 480px, (min-width: 481px) 623px, 100vw\" \/><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">1. Parent Ego State<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This part of us acts like the people who raised us. It\u2019s what we learned from parents, teachers, or other adults when we were growing up.<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Nurturing Parent: This one is loving and kind. For example, saying, \u201cIt\u2019s okay. You\u2019ll do better next time.\u201d<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\n<p><\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Controlling Parent: This one is strict or bossy. It says things like, \u201cYou never do anything right!\u201d<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The controlling parent voice can lead to <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/therapy-for-anxiety\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">anxiety<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/depression-therapy\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">depression<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, and even <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/therapy-for-anger\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">anger<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> if it\u2019s too harsh.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">2. Child Ego State<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This is how we felt and behaved when we were kids.<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Free Child: Fun, playful, happy. Like when you laugh at silly jokes or dance in the kitchen.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\n<p><\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Adapted Child: This child follows rules or avoids trouble. But sometimes it pouts, cries, or feels scared.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If someone has PTSD or past trauma, their Child state may react strongly to small things\u2014like a loud voice or a harsh word.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">3. Adult Ego State<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This part is calm, smart, and handles things in the moment. It looks at facts, not feelings. For example, if your friend is yelling, your Adult state might say, \u201cLet\u2019s calm down and talk.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Adult state helps us stay peaceful instead of getting lost in <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/therapy-for-anger\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">anger<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, fear, or sadness.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We Change Ego States All Day<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-8501\" src=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/Screenshot-2025-04-25-151518.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"612\" height=\"377\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/Screenshot-2025-04-25-151518.png 612w, https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/Screenshot-2025-04-25-151518-480x296.png 480w\" sizes=\"(min-width: 0px) and (max-width: 480px) 480px, (min-width: 481px) 612px, 100vw\" \/><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Let\u2019s say you&#8217;re driving to work.<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You drive carefully \u2014 you&#8217;re in your Adult state.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\n<p><\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Someone cuts you off \u2014 you yell, \u201cLearn to drive!\u201d \u2014 now you\u2019re in your Controlling Parent.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\n<p><\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Then you realize you\u2019re late and feel worried \u2014 that\u2019s your Adapted Child.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This happens to all of us! The key is to notice which state you\u2019re in and switch when needed.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How Communication Works<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-8502\" src=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/Screenshot-2025-04-25-151613.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"325\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/Screenshot-2025-04-25-151613.png 499w, https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/Screenshot-2025-04-25-151613-480x313.png 480w\" sizes=\"(min-width: 0px) and (max-width: 480px) 480px, (min-width: 481px) 499px, 100vw\" \/><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Talking to people is like playing catch. One person throws the ball (talks), and the other catches and throws it back (replies). That\u2019s called a transaction.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Complementary Transactions (These Go Well)<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">These happen when both people are using matching ego states.<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You: \u201cCan I help you?\u201d (Adult)<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\n<p><\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Them: \u201cYes, please.\u201d (Adult)<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Smooth and simple!<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Or your child says, \u201cI\u2019m scared,\u201d (Child), and you say, \u201cI\u2019m here. It\u2019s okay.\u201d (Parent). That\u2019s good communication.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Crossed Transactions (These Cause Problems)<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">These happen when the other person answers from the wrong ego state.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Example:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You: \u201cCan we talk?\u201d (Adult)<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\n<p><\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Them: \u201cWhy are you always blaming me?\u201d (Child)<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\n<p><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Uh-oh. Now there\u2019s a fight. This kind of reaction can bring <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/therapy-for-anger\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">anger<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/therapy-for-anxiety\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">anxiety<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, or even sadness in relationships.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Real-Life Examples<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-8503\" src=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/Screenshot-2025-04-25-151709.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"337\" height=\"196\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/Screenshot-2025-04-25-151709.png 337w, https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/Screenshot-2025-04-25-151709-300x174.png 300w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 337px) 100vw, 337px\" \/><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">1. Talking to Your Child<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your child drops a glass of water. You feel like shouting, \u201cWhy can\u2019t you be careful?!\u201d (Parent). But if you take a deep breath and say, \u201cIt\u2019s okay, let\u2019s clean it up,\u201d (Nurturing Parent), your child feels safe\u2014not scared.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">2. Talking to a Customer<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A customer says, \u201cThis product is terrible!\u201d You might feel upset (Child), but your Adult state says, \u201cLet\u2019s fix the problem.\u201d You answer kindly, and the customer calms down.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">3. Talking to Your Spouse<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your partner forgets your birthday. You want to cry (Child) or yell (Parent). But your Adult state says, \u201cLet\u2019s talk about how we celebrate things.\u201d This keeps the relationship healthy.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">4. Talking to Your Boss<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your boss says, \u201cYou didn\u2019t do this right.\u201d You feel small or anxious (Child). But your Adult can say, \u201cThanks for the feedback\u2014can we talk about how to improve?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you have past trauma or PTSD, it can make moments like this feel extra heavy. That&#8217;s okay. You can still learn to respond calmly with practice.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What If People Say One Thing But Mean Another?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-8504\" src=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/Screenshot-2025-04-25-151858.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"590\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/Screenshot-2025-04-25-151858.png 590w, https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/Screenshot-2025-04-25-151858-480x361.png 480w\" sizes=\"(min-width: 0px) and (max-width: 480px) 480px, (min-width: 481px) 590px, 100vw\" \/><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sometimes people hide their real feelings. Like your coworker saying, \u201cWow, bold choice of shirt today,\u201d with a smirk. The words sound okay, but the <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">tone<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> feels mean.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This is called an ulterior transaction\u2014a secret message underneath the real words. It\u2019s smart to listen not just to words, but also to voice, face, and body language.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your Adult state helps you stay cool and not take the bait.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What If You Always Feel Triggered? Try EMDR<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-8470\" src=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/Screenshot-2025-03-06-184756.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"616\" height=\"434\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/Screenshot-2025-03-06-184756.png 616w, https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/Screenshot-2025-03-06-184756-480x338.png 480w\" sizes=\"(min-width: 0px) and (max-width: 480px) 480px, (min-width: 481px) 616px, 100vw\" \/><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Some people find themselves reacting strongly to small things\u2014getting very sad, scared, or angry. This can happen because of painful past memories, trauma, or PTSD.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There\u2019s a helpful therapy called <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/emdr-therapy\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">EMDR<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). It helps your brain &#8220;re-process&#8221; bad memories so they don\u2019t hurt so much.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/emdr-therapy\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">EMDR<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> can help reduce <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/depression-therapy\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">depression<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/therapy-for-anxiety\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">anxiety<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, and <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/therapy-for-anger\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">anger<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> by teaching your brain that the danger is over\u2014and you&#8217;re safe now.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Many people feel calmer and more in control after doing <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/emdr-therapy\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">EMDR<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> with a trained therapist.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Final Thoughts<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Every day, we talk to all kinds of people\u2014our kids, our partners, our coworkers, and strangers. The way we talk can build peace\u2026 or start problems.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Remember:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You have a Parent, Adult, and Child ego state.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\n<p><\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Try to stay in your Adult state when things get tense.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\n<p><\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Notice which ego state the other person is in.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\n<p><\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Speak kindly, listen fully, and breathe before you react.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you often feel stuck in anger, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/therapy-for-anxiety\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">anxiety<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, or <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/depression-therapy\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">depression<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, it&#8217;s okay to ask for help. You\u2019re not alone. Therapy, including <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.junabrookes.co.uk\/staging\/5147\/emdr-therapy\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">EMDR<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, can really help.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You don\u2019t have to be perfect. You just need to understand yourself a little more\u2014and talk with kindness and care. That\u2019s how better relationships begin.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Have you ever had a talk with someone that suddenly turned into a fight? Maybe you were calm, but the other person got angry, or maybe you got upset without knowing why. Whether you\u2019re talking to your child, your boss, your customer, or your partner\u2014communication can sometimes go wrong. The good news is, there&#8217;s a [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8499,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[226,11,12,15,13,228,14,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8498","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-anger","category-anxiety","category-depression","category-emdr","category-rewind","category-social-anxiety","category-trauma","category-uncategorized"],"aioseo_notices":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.3 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Ego States: How to Talk Better with Your Child, Customer, Spouse, or Boss - Juna Brookes<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I put my heart and soul into my work, love to support people and see the positive changes we can make together. 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